Oops. You’ve gone and made a mistake. It’s okay, we all make mistakes. Constantly! So it’s important that we learn how to apologize. Believe it or not, how we apologize is almost more important than whether we apologize. If we don’t apologize in a meaningful way, it can actually make matters worse. I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of a bad apology. It can leave you feeling unimportant, invalidated, or worse.
Surely you don’t want to provoke those feelings in others!
It’s okay if you have never learned how to apologize in a genuine, meaningful way. Rest assured, you’re not alone! Read on to learn how to apologize in a meaningful way, what not to include in an apology, apology examples, and more.
How to apologize properly: the 5 Rs of apology
In order for apologies to be effective and meaningful, they need to include 5 important components, known as the 5 Rs of apology. They include:
- Recognition
- Responsibility
- Remorse
- Restitution
- Repetition
An apology doesn’t need to be lengthy, but it should touch on each of these.
Recognition
Recognizing that you have something to apologize for in the first place is of utmost importance. If you don’t recognize what you’ve done wrong, the rest of your apology will fall flat. That said, it’s important to be specific. Saying “I’m sorry for whatever I did” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not helpful. This suggests you don’t care enough to really consider what you did wrong and the impact it had.
Examples:
- I yelled at you.
- I was impatient.
- I was grumpy with you.
- I broke your toy.
Responsibility
Responsibility ties directly to recognition. Not only do you need to recgonize that you’ve done something wrong, you need to accept responsibility for it.
Examples:
- I am in a bad mood and I took it out on you.
- I was feeling frustrated and should have calmed down first.
- I wasn’t careful enough with your toy.
- I wasn’t watching where I was going.
Remorse
If it’s not obvious, you need to use words to express your remorse, such as “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” This is also where you acknowledge the impact your error had on the receiver. It’s a great way to add in empathy. In other words, consider the other person’s perspective and how your action made them feel.
Examples:
- I’m sorry I scared you.
- I’m sorry I made you feel unappreciated.
- Your toy was important to you.
Restitution
Restitution is where you address what you can do, if anything, to make amends. In other words, how can you fix it?
Examples:
- Let me see if I can fix your toy.
- Do you need some ice for your bump?
- I DO appreciate you! I appreciate that you make dinner every night for us.
Repetition
Repetition doesn’t mean repeat the behavior. It actually means what you’ll do to not repeat the behavior.
Examples:
- I will watch where I’m going from now on.
- I will be more gentle with your things.
- I’ll be sure to express my appreciation more often.
You may note that a few of these can easily overlap or be combined. As mentioned, an apology doesn’t need to be long to be effective. And the order isn’t very important. For example, “I’m sorry for making you feel unappreciated. I didn’t think about your feelings and I will do a better job of expressing how much I appreciate you from now on.”
How to make your apology really count
Use “I” statements
You may have noticed that most of my statements included the word “I.” This is because your apology should be about what YOU did. Don’t focus on the receiver. (This is true for all forms of conflict resolution.)
Stick to the facts
This one is really as simple as that. Stick to the facts. When you start to add in extraneous info, it starts to sound like deflection. Don’t forget how important it is to take responsibility!
What should an apology not include?
We’ve covered how to apologize. It’s also important to understand how not to apologize.
The ifs and buts
Ifs and buts do not belong in an apology. Seriously. When an apology includes either if or but, it completely dismisses the receiver and you would have done better not to have apologized at all.
Consider the times you’ve heard “I’m sorry but you…” This places the responsibility on the other person. Again, take responsibility.
Excuses and deflection
Making excuses negates the entire apology. In many cases, they also imply (or even state outright) that the receiver had no cause to be upset. Excuses can take many forms and often include gaslighting.
Gaslighting is when someone attempts to cause another person to question their own judgement, memory, and/or feelings. Here’s a great article on gaslighting.
Examples:
- I was just trying to help.
- I didn’t know it would upset you.
- You’re so sensitive.
- You know I didn’t mean anything by it.
- It was just a joke.
- I’m sorry you feel that way.
When an apology isn’t enough
Apologizing is about change. It’s taking responsibility for your mistake and putting in the effort not to repeat it. Look, none of us is perfect. Change can take extra effort and time. But our apology shouldn’t end with our words. Apologies need to be coupled with action. Don’t just say you’ll do better next time, put in the effort to actually do better next time.
