Asking for help can be a challenge for many of us. And those of us who are caregivers can become so focused on supporting our other people’s needs that we forget that meeting our own needs is also important. It’s necessary to ask for support when we need it. Read on to learn the 4 steps to ask for help.
Children: Our Best Teachers
I have received some of my best lessons and reminders just watching my child. Today was one of these days.
My child was playing with a toy where you push little knobby things through holes. Some of the pieces slide into the holes easily for her. Some give her a little challenge, but they go in with some effort. And then there were a few where, despite trying multiple times, she just wasn’t getting it.
That’s when she turned to me and asked for my help.
I told her she should be proud of herself for trying and trying. I also commended her for asking for help when she needed it. Then it hit me!
This is how I should ask for help, too.
Asking for Help is Hard!
For many of us, asking for help is a big challenge. Here are a couple of big reasons why:
“I have to do it myself” Culture
Western culture pushes self-help, self-reliance, and independence as necessary traits to hold. I think most of us can acknowledge that we quite literally can’t survive without other people. And yet somehow our beliefs about independence take the forefront.
Parents and caregivers, especially mothers, receive messages that they need to be equipped to manage work and home with ease and without complaint. They’re praised when they uphold the image of perfection, when in reality most of us are a mess.
Fear
We’re afraid. We’re afraid of being judged. We’re afraid of being turned down or let down. We’re afraid to be vulnerable. We’re afraid to lose control. Maybe one or all of these things have happened to us and we’re afraid of them happening again. Fear can be rather stifling.
We Don’t Know How to Ask
For many of us, we simply don’t know how to ask for help. It’s not a skill we’ve been taught or have practiced – in large part because of the aforementioned points.
When Should We Ask for Help?
Obviously we need to ask for help when we’re overwhelmed and/or stressed, but perhaps we can be a bit more proactive than that. After all, it’s best we seek help before our stress response system has been activated.
Emotional Triggers
An emotional trigger is something that causes a negative emotional reaction. Everyone is triggered by something, such as loud noises, being ignored or not listened to, rejection, criticism, and so much more.
Sometimes triggers are a result of past trauma, but that isn’t necessarily the case. They can be related to our temperament, personality, or some other trait we carry, too.
What’s important is that we learn what they are and how to prevent them. Healthline has written a helpful article on identifying your triggers. Asking for help when we find ourselves frequently triggered can often help reduce incidence of triggers or help us better regulate once we’ve been triggered.
Sources of Overwhelm
Feeling overwhelmed refers to times when we feel like there’s too much on our plate for us to handle. It can refer to emotional overwhelm, which may be related to our triggers, or it could refer to actual tasks or work that we’re responsible for. It’s not uncommon for parents and caregivers to experience overwhelm.
Asking for help can be an excellent preventative measure to reduce our triggers and experiences of overwhelm. Easier said than done? Hopefully our tips below will give you some support and guidance.
Zone of Proximal Development
The story of my child’s interaction with her toy was a great example of what’s known as the zone of proximal development. The zone of proximal development refers to a learner’s ability to learn with and without support and includes three zones or ranges.
- The first range, displayed as the outer circle below, includes what a learner cannot do with or without support. The learner just isn’t ready to learn whatever it is yet.
- The second range includes what a learner can do with support or help from an adult or more capable peers.
- The third range includes what a learner can do without support. This includes what the learner has mastered or is in the process of mastering.
Just like I supported my child when she was practicing a task in range 2, many of the tasks adults are learning fall within range 2! The difference is we’re not so quick to ask for support. It’s time we change that.
4 Steps to Ask for Help
So how do we ask for help? Well, it’s going to look different for each of us. After all, everyone is different. That said, there are 4 basics steps you can follow to ask for help.
- Firstly, you need to be able to identify what you need help with. Consider your triggers, areas of overwhelm, and your range 2 tasks from the zone of proximal development. Is there a specific task you need help with? Like maybe certain household chores. Do you need emotional support? Such as someone to lend an ear, listen to you vent, or offer you some insight or advice. Is there a new skill you’re trying to learn that you need support with? Whatever it is, you need to be able to identify it.
- Once you’ve identified what you need help with, you need to be able to communicate your need as clearly as possible. This will help ensure there are no misunderstandings and that the help you need is delivered just as you need it. For example, if you just need to vent, state that clearly so that your support system knows you’re not looking for advice. If you need help mopping the floors, be sure your support system knows exactly which floor cleaner to use.
- Don’t apologize or minimize the request. There is absolutely no reason to apologize for asking for support. People love to help others! It brings us great joy to help. And there is no need to promise reciprocity. In fact, that minimizes their effort. Let them help! And then leave it at that.
- Express gratitude. Be sure to share the outcome of their help in conjunction with gratitude. We all enjoy being helpful. Let them know they were (or are) helpful and thank them with sincerity. This step is important even for ongoing support.
Hopefully this helps motivate you to ask for support when you need it (or preferably before you need it!). I’d love to hear your tips for asking for help.
